


Destructive Ways III

by StormyBear30



Series: Destructive Ways [3]
Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-14
Updated: 2011-06-14
Packaged: 2017-10-20 10:30:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/211823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Final installment in The Destructive Ways series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Destructive Ways III

Rehab fucking sucks. There is no other way to describe it then like that. I despise everything about it and although I knew it wasn’t going to be a picnic, I never expected it to be the way that it is. I could kill Jared for sticking me in this hell hole and yet at the same time I know that he could have put in a far worse situation then he has. Sadness washes over me and again for what feels like the hundredth time today, I fight the urge to drink. Not that there is a lick of alcohol or any alcohol substance within a hundred mile radius anyway, but the urge is always there just the same. “Leto…Marge wants to see you” I hear someone yell from the hallway as I take a deep breath and push away the horrible memories pertaining to my brother and my fucked up life before I came here.

Don’t get me wrong, the place; a ranch actually isn’t really that bad. I have a semi private room that I share with another guy and yet eight weeks later I have yet to hear a word uttered from him. He never speaks, just sits there in silence. I get fed three pretty decent meals a day, but I haven’t had a cup off coffee since I got here and I don’t know what I miss more the alcohol or the caffeine. We are expected to help out around the ranch as part of our rehabilitation and that in itself wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t been assigned to shit duty. Everyday, twice a day I am expected to clean out the cow and horse patties from the barn and the stalls and it is a task that I hate with a passion. I didn’t start out with this lovely duty, but after too many times of running my mouth and trying to use what I soon found to be non-existent star power, I was demoted from kitchen duty to shit patrol.

“You called” I smile sweetly as I walk into my counselor’s office, plopping down on a chair before she even has a chance to ask me in.

“You missed group this morning” She speaks matter of factly, looking at me with eyes that dare me to even think about lying to her. I think about it for a second before giving up the fight because I know that no matter what line I may try and give her, she can always read right through it. There is only one other person in my life that could read me like that and I haven’t heard a single word from him since I was placed in this godforsaken place. “Shannon…” I hear her call out my name as I force myself to focus on her and not on the man that I miss like crazy. “You thinking about him again?” She asks, proving once again that she can read me like a book.

“Nah…” I lie anyway, knowing that she knows but not wanting to get into the whole dependence issue she thinks I have with Matt. “Sorry about this morning” I say instead. “The truth is that I think that Farmer Fred is over feeding the beasts because there seemed to be more shit in that barn this morning then I’ve ever seen” I laugh at my own words, staring her straight in the eyes because I am speaking the truth and I had the shit covered boots and broken blisters to prove it.

I can tell that she believes me as she sits back and laughs at what I said. “Even when you are talking shit you think you’re charming don’t you?” She laughs again before turning serious. “Ok…getting back to the task at hand” I listen to half of what she says as she speaks, because it’s always the same; however my ears perk up at the mention of my brother as I focus my full attention on her. “Will your brother be joining us for our family discussion group next week?” She questions, leaning forward as she waits for my response.

“He’s not sure yet” I reply, picking at my fingernails in a nervous habit that I have developed since coming here. “He thinks that it might be too soon after everything that has happened between us” My throat aches as I fight the tears dying to consume me. “Can’t say that I blame him after what I almost did to him” I find fascination with the carpet at my feet as I recall the night that I almost raped my little brother in a drug and alcohol induced rage. “Tomo’s coming though” I smile sadly, thankful that at least Tomo is willing to look past all my bullshit from the past and work on rekindling the friendship that meant the world to me at one time.

“And Matt?”

“I haven’t found the nerve to call him yet” I tell her quickly, picking at my nails once again. “I just think that it’s going to be too much having to deal with Jared and Matt. They haven’t spoken to each other since I was put into this place and…”

“Seems to me that you have nothing but excuses going on here” She cuts me off, once again staring straight into my eyes in a way that grates on my nerves severely. She’s daring me to deny her accusations and as much as I know I should keep my fucking mouth shut, in true Leto form, I don’t.

“There not fucking excuses” I growl. “You think that you know so much about the history between all of us…but trust me lady you don’t know shit”

“Shannon…sit down” She barks at me as I jump up off of the couch and prepare to leave. I don’t even think twice about it because I’ve only seen this woman this pissed off at me once before and afterwards I ended up with the shit duty. “You have four weeks left in this facility before you are going to be released and the only way that you will fully be ready for life on the outside is to confront the past. It’s only until that happens that you can put it back in the past and keep it there” It sounds like Buddhist shit to me, but what do I know as I nod in response before getting back up and attempting for the door once again. “Call him Shannon. If you don’t want to confront the two of them together…then we can make a special allowance and have them come on separate days” I don’t say anything as I nod once again before walking away.

I’ve been staring at the public phone for what feels like an eternity, but it hasn’t really been that long. I glance around the room and watch some of the others sitting in the lounge watching me and I curse my brother once again for placing me in a facility that isn’t star friendly. I would kill for my cell phone right now so I could try and talk to Matt in private, instead I have to try and speak to the man that I hurt with my lies and betrayals right here in front of near perfect strangers. “Fuck it…” I say under my breath as I pick up the receiver and dial Matt’s number. My heart is beating so loudly that I can barely hear the ringing from the handset. The phone seems to ring forever and ever as I bite at my nails, chewing so hard at them that I draw blood. My overly beating heart stops as I hear a click on the other end, hoping and praying that it’s Matt yet it turns out to be Matt alright, just not the live version.

“You’ve reached the voicemail of Matt…you know what to do” I close my eyes as I hear his voice and it brings a tear to my eye because I truly love and miss him so much and also because I have a feeling that the reason he didn’t answer was because he figured out it was me. I can’t blame him for not wanting to speak to me and it just breaks my heart for the hundredth time since I’ve been here.

“Hey Matt…” I begin softly, my chest constricted and painful as I try to remember how to breathe. I…I…” I have no idea what I am trying to say here as I close my eyes and force myself to concentrate. “I just wanted to let you know that I’m doing better. I’m not one hundred percent yet…but then again I guess I won’t ever be one hundred percent now will I?” I curse myself slamming the handset against my forehead for being so fucking stupid. “Anyway…the reason that I am calling you is because as part of the program we have to have a session with our friends and family that we have hurt with our addictions. I know I’ve hurt you Mattie and you have no idea how sorry I am about that. The session is next week and I was wondering…more like hoping that you would come. I don’t know what exactly it will entail but I hope that you will come and maybe it will help us move past what happened and maybe…if you still want too…help us move forward into our future. I’ve got to go Mattie…but I hope that I’ll see you next week” I hesitate for a moment, unsure if I should say the words, or just let them lie. “I love you” I speak them anyways because even after all the shit that has been going on I truly still do.

I know that I should call Jared and try to convince him to come as well, but I feel utterly exhausted as I hang the phone back up and drag my tired ass back to my room. Ignoring my silent roommate, I fall heavily to the creaky bed, closing my eyes against the tears threatening to consume me. I lose, as I cry silently to myself for all the shit that I have put the ones that mean the most to me through in the last year. I still can’t believe that I’ve allowed myself to get this far, feeling like more of a failure then I could have ever imagined.

My eyes jerk open, the sun from the window forcing them closed again as I try to catch my breath. I’ve had that nightmare again; the one where I tried to rape my brother in a drunken rage, although I know it’s not a nightmare because it really did happen. I feel almost panicked as I try to pull air into my lungs, feeling like I am about to freak out as I toss my body back and fourth. I have no control, and it causes me to panic even more. My face is wet with sweat and tears as I cry out for someone, anyone to help me. “Easy…take it easy” I hear an unfamiliar voice speak beside me, a cool cloth upon my head as my body continues to flail around. “Just breathe…” I can feel a body as it wraps itself around me and despite the fact that I have no idea who this person is; it comforts me just the same. Breathing deeply I frantically pull air into my starved lungs, my body finally stilling as I seem to get some control over myself.

“You…” I cry out in awed shock as the body holding me pulls back and I find myself staring into the eyes of my not so silent roommate. He falls silent again as he rushes across the room, practically jumping on his bed as he locks eyes upon the ceiling. “You can talk” I blurt out, still stunned as I get up and walk over towards his bed.

“Of course I can talk. Do you think that I am a moron or something” He looks dead at me, speaking in a clearly aggravated voice.

“No…it’s just that I haven’t heard you utter a sound since I moved in here” I reply dumbly, sitting on the edge of his bed as I begin to pick at my nails nervously.

“Well now that I have, I have to say that chewing at your nails like that is one hell of a nasty habit and I wish you would stop” I can’t help but laugh at the absurdness of my day and our first topic of conversation, he laughing with me as he sits up, legs crossed next to me. “Promise you won’t tell my secret?” He asks and he’s serious as he once again locks eyes with me.

“I promise…but why?” I ask.

“They pretty much just leave me alone since I don’t speak. It makes them think that I am crazy and most of the people here have their own crazy ways to deal with to bother with me” I can see his logic because I had been the same way, pretty much ignoring my roommate after my first night here. “Nightmare?” He nodded his head towards the bed before drawing his eyes back.

“Yeah…”

“Who is Jared?”

“My brother”

“Oh…What did you do to him that had you freaking out like that?”

“I tried to rape him in a drug and alcohol induced rage” He doesn’t even seem shocked by my words. “It keeps haunting me” I speak quietly.

“I threw my girlfriend down a flight of stairs after a heroin binge…broke her neck on impact” Tears glisten within his eyes as he looks out the window before speaking again. “I woke up at the top of the stairs with her near dead at the bottom. She was just laying there, her lifeless eyes staring back at me. I don’t even know how I managed to do it…but I called the paramedics. I tried to kill myself after that…but as you can see I was unsuccessful” He laughs humorlessly as he pulls up the sleeves of his shirt, revealing large purple scars. “I ended up in jail for attempted murder…but my lawyer got me off with a plea bargain. I’ve been here off and on ever since”

“How long?”

“I’ve been in and out for about five years now. I’ve been to many different rehab facilities…but this one is the one that I always come back too. I stumble from time to time…but I won’t ever give up the good fight. I can’t because I don’t want Debbie’s accident to be another fucked up causality” Somehow I end up holding him this time and wondering if my life will always be as fucked up as it is. I hope and pray that it isn’t and I am able to push past my mistakes and reconcile with the people who mean the world to me.

“Leto phone” I hear someone cry out from the hall way days after my panic attack nightmare, once again cursing having to use a public phone for my phone conversations.

“Hey mom…” I smile, leaning against the wall in wait of our weekly talk. She knows that I have addiction problems, but neither Jared nor I have even once considered telling her about what happened because of it.

“Hey Shannon…” I hear a familiar voice speak softly as I drop the handset, it banging loudly against the wall before waving back and forth to a standstill. I can only stare at it, unable to believe that Matt is on the other end of the line, kicking myself for wasting precious time as I jerk it back into my hand, hurting my ear as I smack myself with handset.

“Matt…” I speak his name, tears burning the back of my eyes as I try to find the function to speak again. “I never thought that I would hear from you again” I finally find the will to speak.

“I know…I’ve been debating to call back or not”

“Oh…” My heart breaks at those words and yet at the same time I know that I deserve to hear them.

“How are you?” He asks.

“Everyday is a struggle…but I’m learning how to handle it” I reply truthfully, just happy that he’s taking the time to even talk to me after what I did to him.

“I’m happy for you Shannon” He says, followed by a pause so uncomfortable that I know what is about to happen next.

“Matt about the session I told you about”

“I don’t know Shannon. I think that it might still be too soon for me to see you…to talk to you. I’m still so raw…so hurt that maybe it’s best that we wait”

“Jesus Matt…” I cry out in hurt and shock. “I know that I hurt you and I know that I lied to you…but I’m trying to get better…trying to make it right. I know that I don’t deserve it…but I’m asking for you to not give up on me altogether. Please…give me another chance. Come to the session…listen to what I have to say and then afterwards if you still feel the same then I won’t bother you any longer” Gritting my teeth I curse the fucking tears now falling down my face because I feel like such a pansy in front of the few people sitting in the commons area now staring at me.

“Do you think this is easy for me to say Shannon?” He cries out and I can hear the tears in his voice as well.

“Do you think it was easy for me to call you?” I ask, unable to understand why he is making this so much harder then it already is.

Our enemy the silence creeps over the dead conversation and I know that it’s only a matter of seconds before Matt ends it altogether…possible forever.

“Libby wants to try and work things out” He blurts out and I am momentarily stunned.

“Did you say yes?” I ask quickly, my heart aching so badly that I feel as if I may vomit.

“We’ve been talking” The words tear at my inside in a way that I find myself unable to breath.

“You told me that you loved ma Matt” I remind in a very high pitched voice, glaring at the people in the lobby once again looking at me with full interest. “You said that you would wait for me as I got better” I continue as I turn my back towards them.

“No Shannon…I didn’t” He sighs, my tear factor going up a notch as I continually wipe at my eyes as if to hide them. “You’re the one who said that you were going to get better and then come back for me. I never agreed or disagreed” I can’t believe that he is acting like this as my anger begins to kick in. “I love you Shannon…but maybe this is for the best. Maybe it’s time that we both move on with your lives. Maybe it’s…”

 

“Fuck you then Matt” I scream into the phone, cutting him off before he can finish his sentence. “Go back to your precious wife and try and ignore the fact that you love me and not her. I hate you Matt…do you hear me…I fucking hate you” My voice raises even louder as I slam the phone down, looking at each of the people around me as if daring them to say one word. None of them do as I search around the room frantically trying to figure out what I can do to expel all the rage I have pent up inside. I lose it completely as I begin grabbing and throwing anything that I can get my hands onto. People are running, some screaming as anything in my path become mobile. I am in such a blind rage, the urge for drugs, alcohol; anything to calm me is eating me up. At this very moment I think that I would kill just about anyone for a little something to curb the pain and the unknown and that thought alone sends me into an even higher tailspin.

“Shannon…” I hear someone scream at me, but I ignore them, picking up a chair with the ease of nothing before hurling it at the main reception desk. I aim for the coffee table next, but before I have a chance to reach it, I am pinned to the ground by unseen forces. I try to fight them, but my energy is depleting fast as I am jerked to my feet and dragged literally kicking and screaming into my room. I fight them tooth and nail, but eventually I don’t even have the will to care anymore as I am strapped to my bed, my counselor glaring down at me as she stands beside my bed. “We will discuss this later, for now you can lay here and think about what you should have done as opposed to what you did” I can hear the anger and the disappointment in her voice, as I contemplate spitting at her. I start to laugh at how childish I have become, that laughter turning to tears after she leaves the room and I am left alone.

“Phone call didn’t go well?” I hear a voice speak, my eye jerking open as I find myself not so alone anymore.

“No…” I croak, openly sobbing like a baby as my roommate sits silently beside me. I close my eyes as he wipes the tears from my face, because no matter how weak and exposed I feel at this very moment, I relish the warmth of his touch and that fact that he truly does seem to give a shit. “He’s going back to his wife” I whisper, leaning into his touch even more, wishing that I wasn’t tied down to my bed so I could wrap my arms around him and just cling to him. I realize that I’ve just outed myself to this nearly perfect stranger, but the warmth within his eyes tells me that he doesn’t seem to mind. “I have nothing to fight for anymore” My tears fall even harder, my heart feels like lead in my chest because I feel as if my reason for even trying to get better is gone.

“Of course you do” He speaks softly, his fingers running though my hair. “You have something very important to fight for”

“My brother?” I question, thinking that as much as I would love to make amends with Jared that it just won’t ever happen.

“No…”

“What then?” I can’t help the aggravated sound coming from my voice.

“You…” He replies with a small smile as he leans over and kisses me on the cheek. “You have to live for you Shannon. You have to fight for you…because no one else will. I know that this Matt is very important to you…by the look in your eyes I can see that you are in love with him…but he shouldn’t be the reason you survive your addictions. Yes your brother is important…your family…the people you love but again they shouldn’t be your reason for moving beyond your past. You should be that only reason…because no matter what you think…you are important and special”

“You don’t know me. You don’t know the kind of person I’ve been…the kind of person I am” I blurt out, sounding hateful and mean despite his kindness.

“I may not know that Shannon from the past…but I know the one here today. The one who has kept my secrete and become my friend. I like that Shannon and think that he’s pretty special and worth fighting for” I want to laugh at him, but I can see that he means those words and as weird as it sounds, it truly makes me start to feel better. “Get some rest. Unfortunately they won’t release your bindings until tomorrow morning” He grins at me. “Will make you think next time before you get all macho on their asses now won’t it” That grin turning into a full fledged smile and for the first time since I’ve been here I notice just how fucking hot my roommate is.

“Yeah…” I snort, grinning myself, but not for the reason he is, my mind wandering to all the fun I could have if it were he strapped to this bed and not me. “Thanks Stuart” I speak, inhaling deeply in order to curb my sexual thoughts and the erection I feel coming to life between my legs. “Night…” I turn my head quickly, hoping that he gets the hint and leaves before I really embarrass myself. He does as I feel him walk away, hearing the shuffling of sheets as he climbs into his own bed from across the room.

I wake up the next morning with two men surrounding my bed and a very agitated Marge once again glaring down at me. “You’ve got fifteen minutes to shower and change and then I want you in my office and so help me Leto if you are on minute late…” She lets the threat linger as she walks off, nodding to the men who remove my restraints before leaving themselves.

“I am so in for it” I sigh, looking over at my roommate, who doesn’t say a word as he lays back down and rolls onto his side. I want to say something, but I have no idea what as I push it aside and prepare for the ass chewing I am about to receive.

Care to explain your little outburst last night?” Marge questions me the moment I enter her office.

“Not really…” I reply, ducking my head because I don’t really want her going on another Matt is the root of my problem spiel.

“Too fucking bad” She slams her fist down on the table, forcing me to look up at her because she has always been the epitome of patience since I’ve been coming here, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I’ve pushed those patience time and time again since I’ve come here as well.

“I called Matt and asked him to come…” I hesitate, hoping that she won’t make me continue, but her eyes dare me to even think about stopping. “He declined. He’s getting back with his wife” Tears glisten within my eyes, but I hold them fast because I know that it will only infuriate her more, instead I get the opposite.

“I’m sorry to hear that Shannon” She seems more like herself now and I am forced to turn my head in order to hide the little fuckers that have somehow slipped down my face. “I know that hurt for you too hear…but at the same time I think that it’s just what you needed to move on. I know that you are tired of hearing me talk about your dependence on this man…but you have to believe that I am not trying to hurt you or upset you…but trying to help you” She continues to speak, but I’ve tuned her out once again, because I already know what she is going to say and yet this time, I actually think that she might be right. Matt’s has always been the one that I run to whenever my life got too crazy or insane and as the years passed so did my dependence on him. Even when he left me to be with Libby the first time, nothing ever change. I still hung onto the idea of him, eventually getting to the point where I would do just about anything to get him back, because I believed that I couldn’t live without him. I know that none of that is his fault, but mine alone and for the first time in a long time, I actually feel as if I have a reason other then Matt to get my life back in order.

I can sense that she is done talking, so I get up and prepare to leave the room, stopping short at her next words. “Oh and Shannon…you’re brother will be billed for all the damages you accessed last night” Well, I know one thing for sure, if anything is going to get Jared to come here it will be that once he hears about the shit I’ve done. I don’t care though because I can’t wait to talk to Stuart as I rush into our room, slamming the door loudly behind me as I do. “Holy fuck…” I cry out as I stand by the door I’ve just closed, watching as he stumbles naked before me, in search of his clothes.

“Jesus…can’t you fucking knock before you just barge into a room” He barks, dressing quickly before storming towards the door.

“I’m sorry…” I reply, turning to face him, preparing to speak, but cutting myself short as he opens the door and leaves me standing there opened mouthed and extremely fucking horny.

It’s been days and Stuart has once again fallen into the silent roommate. I’ve tried to talk to him time and time again, but he just looks at me, unspeaking and the truth is that it is driving me mad. Over the last weeks I’ve gotten to know him quite well. We’ve talked about things that I wouldn’t have ever spoken to another living soul about, not even my brother or Matt. I feel a kinship with him because he knows what its like to fall into the depths of hell and how hard it is to crawl back out. I’ve come to cherish our talks and our time together and the fact that I have no idea why he won’t talk to me is driving me mad. I’ve racked my brain time and time again as to what it could have been that’s pissed him off and the only thing I can think of is the fact that I outted myself to him and that thought alone angers me so much.

“What the fuck is your problem?” I burst out as he enters the room. Again he says nothing as he puts the things in his hand away before climbing on top of his bed. He continues to ignore me as he pulls a book from out of his night stand and begins to read from it. I am incensed beyond belief as I jump off of my bed, strode over to his, ripping the book from his hand as I throw it across the room. “Got your attention now don’t I?” I leer, watching the anger on his face grow to match my own. “What the fuck is your problem?” I ask again.

“I don’t have a fucking problem” He finally speaks, standing up until we are face to face.

“Oh…he can speak” I taunt, my eyes narrowing as I try to read what’s brewing within his dark eyes.

“Fuck off Leto…” He warns, trying to step around me, but I refuse to let him as I grab him by the shoulders and push him backwards until we are both falling on top of his bed.

“No…you fuck off” I respond in full anger. “What’s the matter…you figured out I was a queer and all of a sudden you can’t talk to me” I accuse, my brow furrowing at the sounds of laughter I receive in response.

“You think that I won’t talk to you because you’re fucking gay?” He questions though his laughter, catching me off guard as he turns the tables and flips us over. I try to struggle, but I give up quickly as he kisses me. I am stunned to say the least, but then a knee moves between my legs and nudges my dick awake, the rest of my body awakening as well. “I…I don’t care that your gay Shannon” He smiles down at me, breathing heavily as I try to figure out what the hell just happened. “In fact…I kind of like the idea that you are”

“They why did you stop talking to me?” I ask, my head a swirling mess.

“It’s stupid…” He pulls away from me, sitting on the side of the bed as I pull myself up as well. I don’t say anything as I wait for him to continue. “That night when you were in your restraints. I was trying to be there for you…trying to show that you mean something and you just brushed me off. You just turned your head and closed your eyes as if to say fuck you Stuart and…”

“No…” I cut him off. “I mean…I did try to brush you off but not for the reasons that you think” I am blushing so bad that I can literally feel the heat coming off of my face and right now in this very second I just want to run away and hide. “I was so fucking turned on by you that night and I wasn’t sure how you were going to react to it”

“You’re a strange guy Shannon” He grins at me and I know that everything is going to be alright.

“Tomo always said I was one of the strangest” I smile, it faltering as I realize just how much I miss my best friend.

“He’s coming to see you next week and once you hash out all the shit from the past…everything will be just fine. Best friends don’t just give up on the people that they love without giving the friendship a fighting chance” Stuart says, cupping my face with his hand as he turns it to face him and as I look into his eyes, I find that I honestly believe him.

“How is it that you’re so fucking smart?” I tease, grabbing the back of his neck and pulling him forward until our lips meet once again.

I know that what we are doing is wrong. I’m a recovering sex addict for fucks sake, but as Stuart rides my dick for all that its worth, I find that I don’t give a shit. Sex with Stuart is incredible and seems to be just what I need because I haven’t thought of Matt this entire time, of course I haven’t been able to think about anything this entire time. “Fuck…I’m close Shannon” He warns me on a whispered breath, covering my hand that has been jerking him off since he began riding me, increasing the pace until we are both biting our lips to keep quiet and not alert the others. I come hard, covering my face with his pillow with my free hand because the urge to scream is great. I can feel his face pressing into the other side as he does the same, warm wetness hitting my bare stomach as he smears the fluids between us. “You ok?” He grins down at me as he removes the pillow, winching in discomfort as he dislodges my softening dick from his ass, falling down beside me once he is done.

“Fucking perfect…you?” I ask in concern when he winces once again.

“I’m ok…it’s been a while since I’ve done that and well lets face it you’re a bit larger then the average male”

“Myself and my dick thank you for that” I giggle, like a fucking school girl.

“Things aren’t going to be weird between us now are they?” He asks and I can tell he’s serious by the look on his face.

“My entire fucking life is weird” I smile down at him, laying partially on top of him because truth be told I just don’t want this night to end. “But us…it’s the most normal thing in my life in a long time” I know that I am lying and I know that he knows, but neither of us seem to care as I lean forward and kiss him. Stuart is an amazing kisser. He’s all lips and tongue and he’s unafraid to take control, two things I love when kissing a man.

I find myself comparing him to Matt as we break the kiss, Stuart excusing himself in order to go and clean himself up. “You can sleep here tonight if you want…or you can go back to your bed…either way” He leaves the decision up to me as he pulls his clothes back on and leaves the room for the public restroom located at the end of the hall. I watch him leave, guilt starting to eat at me because of my love for Matt, but I push all that aside as I recall his earlier words. He has given up on me and gone back to the woman that will never make him happy. I begin to wonder if Matt and I truly ever had a chance, because despite the fact that I had accepted the fact that I was gay, Matt always seemed to cling to the fact that he still loved women. I’m so confused as to what I feel anymore and I don’t have time to ponder it as Stuart walks back into the room, a smile on his face at finding me still in his bed. “I brought you a washcloth to clean up with” He smiles again, walking over beside the bed as he begins to clean my messy stomach. The cloth is cold and I tremble just a bit, the problem is that I don’t know if it’s from the cloth, Stuart or the fact that despite it all, I still love Matt with all my heart and soul.

“You’re awfully quiet tonight” I hear Stuart speak as the two of us lay together on his bed after another mind bending bout of fucking. “You haven’t said anything since your session with Tomo ended. Is everything ok?” He asks and as I turn to face him I can see he’s worried about me and it warms my heart and yet frightens me to my very core at the same time.

“He’s forgiven me” I croak, trying to keep my voice from cracking at the tears threatening to fall. “He says that no matter what he’s still my friend and that he loves me” I lose, the tears rolling down my face anyway, like this is a huge fucking surprise since I can’t keep my emotions in check anymore.

“And you don’t believe him” Stuart questions.

“No…I believe him. Tomo’s a great guy and I know that he meant ever word. It’s just that he told me that Jared’s still too upset about the whole thing and that he’s not planning on coming this week” I find myself locked within a tight embrace as I close my eyes and thank god for such a wonderful friend as Stuart. “I just miss my brother so much” I sob against his chest. “Jared and I were always inseparable. I could talk to him about anything and he wouldn’t ever judge me. He was more then my brother…he was my best friend and now I’ve gone and fucked that all up” I wail even more, his hold on me tightening. “I just miss him so much”

“Just give him time. He’s your brother…he’ll forgive you but knowing Jared the way that I do…it has to be on his terms” I hear him say as I pull back and look at him strangely.

“What do you mean knowing Jared the way that you do?”

“I mean…from what I’ve read and heard from you” He stammers, looking nervous as he gets up off of the bed and heads for the door. “I have a session with Marge…see you later” He’s gone before I can question him any more, but I don’t care as I decide to wallow in my own self pity while he is gone.

“He’s not coming” My voice is dark and full of upset as I pace the small room as Marge looks after me. I want to run, hide, drink, fuck, do drugs, anything but be in this room as I wait to see if my brother loves me enough to show up for our session. I haven’t had a spell like this is a while and yet all I can think about right now is how much I want to find Stuart and fuck him senseless.

“You still have ten minutes Shannon…there’s still time” I hear Marge speak, breaking me from my thoughts.

“Trust me…he’s not coming” I reply, because it’s not like Jared to be a few minutes late, much less fifty minutes late for anything. “Can I just go back to my room now?” I ask, feeling like a child of three instead of a man nearing forty. Her answer is in the form of a nod, her eyes telling me how sad and pathetic I am acting. I don’t care because I just want to be anywhere but in this room. I almost don’t see him, but I catch a glimpse of something familiar out of the corner of my eye as I turn to face it fully. “Jared…” I whisper as I find my brother sitting on one of the couches in the main lobby. “You came…” I speak again, unable to move as I watch him from across the room.

“Of course I came…” His words are clipped and they hurt my heart to hear because I know that he would rather be anywhere then here in front of me. “I had to come and pay the bill for you fucking destructive nature” It’s a direct stab to my heart as for the millionth time since I’ve come here, I begin to cry.

I can tell that he doesn’t know what to do or say as my tears roll silently down my face and neither do I as we continue to stare each other down. “I’m sorry…” I break the silence, my tears still flowing as I decide to give him a reprieve and end this nightmare for both of us. “I’m sorry for everything…of that you have no idea. I’ll pay you back…just take what you need from my account and then you won’t ever have to see me again” I turn to leave, but he’s speaking again.

“Your account is fucking empty” He yells across the room. “There wasn’t much in there to begin with…probably wasted it on your fucking drug habit” He accuses and I don’t say a word because the fact of that matter is that he’s speaking to me and hopefully it will be a step in the right direction of the reconciliation of the Leto brothers. “The rest I had to use to pay Matt back for the damages to the hotel room”

“Oh…” Is all I can say because I had forgotten about that horrible night.

“If you two would like to continue your talk, I suggest you use the session room. It’s more private” I hear Marge speak, both of us looking up at the woman behind us. I expect Jared to flee, but he doesn’t as he gets up and walks silently into the room. “Get in there” Marge growls under her breath as she points towards the open door, taking her leave as I continue to stand in the middle of that lobby dumbfounded.

“Get in here or I am fucking leaving” I hear Jared threaten and I have no idea if he is serious or not, but I am not taking any chances as I practically bolt through the door.

The tension is so thick that I feel you could cut it with a knife as he sits on a chair on the other side of the room, I opting to stand because once again the urge to run is great. I don’t know what to say or do as we just stare at each other and to says it’s grating on my nerves is an understatement. “You invited me here so fucking talk” He belts out, the words seeming so loud that I nearly jump out of my skin.

“The only thing that I can say is that I am sorry and that it won’t happen again” I speak carefully, watching Jared’s face turn from stone mask to tearful and heartbroken in a split second. I watch a full range of emotions cross his face as he tries to gain control of his normal hard as rocks façade, but I know Jared and it’s a struggle to find his balance. “Please Jared…just talk to me” I beg, walking carefully across the room before sitting down in a chair next to him. “Just tell me what’s on your mind…in your heart…no matter how much it might hurt me. I need to hear it all and then I hope you will listen to me and we can at least think about trying to move on”

“You hurt me” He sounds so small and scared and I am brought back to a time when we were much younger and I was proud to play the big brother to his little brother. “Not just physically but mentally as well. You broke my heart and my trust and it kills me to know that I don’t fucking know you anymore. You’re like this completely different person…one that I fucking hate with a mother fucking passion” He’s cursing like a sailor and it breaks my already fractured heart because I know that he’s hurting deeply and I am the cause of it.

“I know that I hurt you Jared and you have no idea how sorry I am” I am crying like a fucking baby now as I lean forward and place my head between my knees, trying to gain control of myself. “I feel as if I could apologize and kiss your ass forever and it wouldn’t ever be enough for you to forgive me” The words ache and burn as I begin to rock in small foreword and backward motions, my head still down because I just can’t stand to see the look of disgust in my brother’s eyes. “Just tell me that I haven’t lost you altogether Jay…please” I beg, sitting up, staring directly into watery blue eyes that scream out pain and heartbreak. It is a look that I never hope to see again. I fall completely apart as a warm hand is placed on my back, the man who means the world to me rubbing soothing circles upon it. “Jared…” I sob as I wrap my arms around him, crushing him against my body so tightly that I drag him off of the chair and onto the floor with me. “I’m so sorry…so sorry” I chant, refusing to let go, despite the fact that we must look like idiots laying here on the floor in each others arms. “I love you so much Jared…you have to believe that”

“I do…and I love you too big brother” Words that force me to fall apart even more as I hold him that much closer, knowing that I am crushing his thin frame, but unable to let go just the same. “But that doesn’t mean I forgive you. Not right now. I need time…we need time to move past this…get to know each other again” He pushes himself away and sits up, looking down at me, his eyes still watery and tear filled, but I can now see the love that he holds for me shining through as well. “No more drugs…no more drinking and no more…well I guess I can’t cut all your vises out now can I” He smiles at me, those huge and beautiful eyes now playful. “I mean it though…no drugs and no drinking. I so much as think your using again and brother or not I’m severing the ties”

“Ok…” I agree because what else can I do. There is nothing else on this planet as important as Jared, not even Matt and I am determined that no matter what the cost, I am going to survive this and keep my brother in my life.

“What about Matt?” He asks a question I don’t even know how to answer and even if I did, would he even want to hear it.

“He’s going back to Libby” I croak, trying to swallow, but my throat seems to have closed up at the moment. “It’s over…” I kind of feel relief at those words and yet at the same time they frighten me as well.

“Shannon…” He tries to speak, but I don’t want our time to be about Matt and our fucked up relationship. This is our time and I want to spend it on the brother’s Leto, as we try to get back to the way we once were.

“It’s over Jared and that’s ok” I smile sadly at him, not knowing if I mean the words or not. “It’s time for me to move on and stand on my own two feet again and as long as you are at my side I know that I can be strong again”

“You are strong and brave” He’s literally beaming at me as he pulls me into his arms and kisses the top of my head. “Ok…I forgive you” He announces rather loudly before pushing me away again, once again and pulling himself off of the floor. I can only look after him as he sits back on his chair, smiling at me in a way that I haven’t seen in ages. The problem is that I’m not sure if he’s forgiven me because he loves me or because I told him it was over with Matt. I don’t care because my heart feels as if it’s beating normally once again and I can breathe somewhat normally for the first time in a long time. “Did you hear me fuck head…I said that I forgive you” And just like that we are once again back on track. I know that we are not one hundred percent fixed, but we are heading that way and I’ve never been happier.

“Yeah…I heard you ass wipe” I grin, as I get up and sit down beside him with a smile I can’t remove from my face.

I am exhausted as I enter my room hours later and find Stuart sleeping in my bed. I can’t help but smile at the picture as I shed my clothes and slid into the bed beside him. “Everything go ok baby?” He asks sleepily and I would have thought it was sweet if not for the fact that he called me baby. I try to figure out what that simple word means, hoping and praying that it was just a slip of the tongue, because after the last year I’ve had, I don’t want it to mean anything more. All sorts of thoughts enter my mind, was he in love with me, or was this only what I hoped it was, fucking among friends. I’m not ready for anything more, not with my feelings for Matt so fucking confusing. I want to talk to him about it, but as he smiles up at me, his eyes peaceful and sleepy I find that I can’t.

“Everything’s fine” I push my wandering thoughts aside as I allow him to snuggle against my chest, he falling asleep immediately, while I lay here and will sleep to come.

It’s been a few days since Jared and I reconciled, a few days since Stuart called me baby and yet I couldn’t be happier. He hasn’t called me that since, in fact he rarely says much to me anymore, but we still fuck like bunnies and it’s fucking amazing. The man is just so giving when we fuck, so open for anything and as much as if frightens me just a bit; I can’t get enough of it or him.

“Hey…” I smile at him as I enter the room from taking a shower. My muscles are sore and achy because it seems yet again that the beasts of this farm all decided to shit all over the barn at once, making me work that much harder at the task of cleaning it up.

“Hey…” He replies, looking up from the book he is reading quickly before going back to it.

I don’t think much of it because lets face it, the man seldom talks anyway, but at the same time it seems as if something is off. “You ok?” I ask, truly concerned that something is going on in that head of his.

“Fine…you ok?” He asks, but his eyes never leave his book and again I wonder if something if wrong.

“Fucking sore from too much shit duty…but other then that just peachy” I brush it off, throwing him what I hope is a sultry grin because I am more then a little horny, and for some reason I want to hold him, kiss him so badly that I have to fight the urge to jump him.

He takes the bait as he walks over towards my bed, looking down at me with eyes full of something that I can’t quite read, of maybe I don’t want to. It looks to be sadness, but he’s hiding something else and yet the shallow part of me could care less because all I want is to feel his body squirming underneath me. “Lay on your stomach” He instructs, and I do without hesitation. His fingers are magic as they rub and worry the knots in my back until they are no more. I can’t stop the grunts and the moaning that expel from my lips because I feel as if I have died and gone to heaven. All thoughts of fucking have gone away as I roll onto my side once he is done, catching his hand before he has a chance to walk away.

“Come here…” I whisper, tugging him towards me, my body relaxed and pliant, but the need to cuddle great. He just looks at me for a moment as if trying to decide what to do before giving in and laying beside me. “Thank you…” I murmur against his neck, kissing it softly, smiling when I feel him shiver beside me. “That was just amazing…you’re amazing” I continue to speak, my mouth working ahead of my brain, but he seems to be enjoying it as I trail kisses across his jaw bone. I feel like such a teenager making out like mad, trying to keep our actions on the down low so we don’t get caught and he seems to be enjoying it as well.

I guess I’ve dozed off as I open my eyes and find him cuddled up next to me sound asleep. I can’t help but smile at the picture, it disappearing as I try to figure out what the hell is going though my mind. I get frightened as I realize that I am developing feelings for Stuart, feelings that I don’t want, nor know how to deal with at this juncture in my life. I’m not ready for more, because I am still unsure of my feelings for Matt. My life is a fucked up mess and no one deserves to be thrown into my madness, especially someone as nice and as sweet as Stuart. I can feel myself begin to panic as I try to slide away without waking him. I’m nearly there when there is a knock at my door, someone yelling that I have a visitor. He doesn’t say a word as he sits up, eyes blinking at me sleepily, but speaking volumes at the same time. He knows what I was trying to do, knows that I am a coward and yet he doesn’t verbalize anything as he gets off of my bed and leaves the room.

“Fuck…” I swear under my breath, getting up and straightening myself out as much as I can before walking into the lobby. “Matt…” I choke on his name as I find the man of my confusion standing on the other side of the room.

“Shannon…” He calls out my name, rushing across the room as he pulls me into his arms. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go back to her…not when my heart belongs to you” He whispers against my ear as I stand here stock still and unable to fathom what it going on. His mouth seeks mine and instantly I fall into the kiss, because I’ve missed it and I’ve missed him and yet at the same time something just doesn’t feel right. I can see that everyone is looking at us as we break our kiss. Cursing myself mentally for allowing it to happen, I pull myself together, taking Matt’s hand as we head for the door. “Shannon…” He says my name hesitantly, when I come to a dead stop a second later finding Stuart standing by the doorway of our room, a look of sadness upon his face that confuses my already fucked up heart.

Stuart doesn’t say a word as Matt and I continue to stand before him, his eyes traveling to our hands interlocked between us before trailing back up to meet my eyes. He still doesn’t speak as I try to come up with something, anything to say, but it’s as if the English language has exited my brain and so I just stare. It wouldn’t matter if I did try because he’s gone, the door closing almost silently behind him as I continue to stand here dumbfounded and more fucking confused then I have ever been in my lifetime.

“Who is that?” Matt asks, the grip on my hand tightening.

“No one…” I lie, still staring at the closed door before I get my wits about me and lead us outside.

“Shannon…slow down. Where the hell are you taking me?” Matt cries out winded behind me, but I don’t slow down in fact I speed up, jerking him along until we are alone in the barn I just shoveled out this morning. “Jesus…where’s the fire?” He huffs, trying to catch his breath as he leans against a bale of hay. “Jesus…did you have to take me to the fucking barn. It smells like pig shit in here”

“Matt…why are you here?” I ignore his complaining, irritated and agitated beyond belief and yet I don’t know why. He just looks at me like I am beyond dumb, as if trying to figure out what is going on inside my head. I want to tell him to look all he wants and when he figures it out to tell me as well, because all I can think about is a pair of sad chocolate eyes staring back at me. I can’t get Stuart out of my head, my confusion growing because I feel as if I have done something to hurt him, cheated on him if you will, but I know that can’t be right. We were never a couple. We weren’t dating. It was just fucking for the sake of fucking, wasn’t it? Did he think it was more? Did he want it to be more? He did call me baby. Does that even mean anything? So many questions and yet I have no fucking answers as I feel someone shake me and find Matt glaring at me with angry eyes.

“Where the fuck did you go?” He rushes out; his words clipped and angry as I continue to just watch him. “Are you on something? I thought Jared put you here to get you clean?” His words are like a slap in the face and they piss me off very badly.

“It’s over Matt…” I speak plainly, shocking him and myself because I don’t even know where the words came from, only that they are true.

“What…Shannon…wait” He stammers, still in shock as he pulls me into his arms tightly. “Don’t say that because it’s not over” He pulls back, tears glimmering within his eyes and as much as I want to take those words back and kiss those tears away, I know that I can’t. “I love you” He rushes out and he sounds so desperate that it nearly kills me, but I know that I have to hold strong, for the sake of both of us.

“I love you too Matt…but we both know that this relationship isn’t good for either one of us” Marge’s lectures come back to haunt me and as much as I want to deny them, I know that every word she spoke was right. I don’t have a chance to say anything else as he pulls me into his arms and kisses the shit out of me. I try to fight him, but Jesus, its Matt and it’s a downright internal fight to deny him anything, even though I know that it’s wrong. The kiss is demanding and hot and once again I fight that internal battle to just forget how toxic we are to each other and give in, but I can’t. “No…” I shout, pushing him away as we both fight for breath.

“Christ Shannon…I left Libby once again to be with you. What the fuck else do you want from me?” He yells, his face red and so full of anger that I am actually frightened. “Haven’t I given up enough of my life to be with you?” He’s still screaming and yet I say nothing because I know that he has to get this off of his chest in hopes that maybe one day, fifty years from now he will be able to see why I had to end this and forgive me. “You selfish mother fucking cunt” Tears blaze down my cheeks because no matter how much I know he needs to do this, it breaks my heart to hear such ugliness coming from him. “It’s always about you. What you want….what you need. I hate you Shannon…I fucking hate you” He’s tiring out as he falls to his knees, crying so hard that he can’t speak anymore, but his eyes scream out his pain to me.

“I’m so sorry Mattie” I cry right along with him, wrapping my arms around him as I pull him as close to my body as I can. “I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to wreck your life as badly as I have. I’ve just swept in and destroyed everything and as much as I would love to fix it…I know that I can’t” I am crying so hard now that the words literally hurt to speak and so I cling to him even harder. “I don’t know what to do anymore” I stutter, swallowing hard at the lump of pain lodged within my throat. “You’re my addiction…” I smile sadly at him, pulling back to stare deeply into his eyes. “You always have been and it’s been an addiction that has fucked up your life so badly. Jesus…I love you so much Matt” My fingers trace his tear stained face. “I love you more then I can ever show you…but I have to let you go. I have to let you start your life again…without me dragging you down”

“Shannon…no” He finally speaks. “It wouldn’t be like that. We’d be there to hold each other up. We need each other”

“I don’t need you Matt…not anymore” My tears are raging down my face as I get up and stand before him. “I have to learn to live on my own again. I can’t keep depending on you to keep me afloat every time that my life gets to be more then I think I can handle. It’s not fair to you” I try to help him off of the ground, but he pushes me away. His eyes cold and hard, but I understand why as I step back and watch him storm off.

I feel as if the lump in my throat has fallen to my stomach as he storms from my line of sight and yet at the same time I feel relief because now I know that the two of us can finally move on with our lives. Stuart flashes across my mind, a small smile crossing my lips as I run from the barn to share the good news with him. I’m free and despite the fact that I hurt that man that I still love, I haven’t felt this good in ages. “Stuart…” I cry out as I rush into the room, noticing something is off the moment that I look around. Rushing over to his bed I open the top drawer of his night stand and find it empty. My heart stops as I literally run for the closet we share, finding it empty as well.

“Marge…” I holler as I burst into her office, not caring that she’s in session with someone. “Stuart’s gone” I cry out, trying to breathe and not panic at the same time.

“Yes Shannon…he signed himself out earlier today” She speaks, shooting me death glares, but I ignore her.

“What do you mean he signed himself out? He’s under treatment. You’re lying…where the hell is he?” My tone is accusing and deadly, but again I don’t care.

“Excuse me for a moment” He speaks to a person I haven’t seen before as she gets up from her desk and grabs onto my arm. I try to struggle from her grip but she’s determined as she shoves me into the hallway, ripping me a new one in front of the entire lobby. I can’t help but think for a moment that the people out here must love it when I come around since I always seemed to be followed by drama and a song and dance number to boot. “Did you have something to do with his leaving?” Her words draw me back to the situation at hand.

I stare at her before speaking, because of course I’m the reason that he left. I’ve fucked up another life, just like I always do. “No…” I lie before walking away for my empty bedroom.

My remaining weeks here have been the longest and hardest of my life. I feel as if I don’t’ have a reason to care anymore, but I go though the motions just the same because I am ready to go home. The only good thing is that Jared and I have gotten closer since our first session. It’s not anywhere close to what we had before, but we are getting there and right now it’s the only light I have in my life. He’s been gracious enough to allow me to live with him once again as I try and build myself back into somewhat of the man I used to be. I haven’t heard a word from Matt since that day in the barn, but he’s actually spoken to Jared and they have made amends with each other, but Jared refuses to talk about it, so I let it lie. I do know that he’s back with Libby and they are trying to work things out. I still love Matt, but I really do hope that they can work things out if that’s what makes him happy.

“You’re awfully quiet” I hear Jared say as we sit in Marge’s office waiting for her to finish the discharge papers.

“Just ready to get out of here” I send a short smile his way before locking eyes on the window in front of us.

“Was it really that bad?” He asks and I can tell he’s worried that this place might have been a bad idea after all.

“No…” I smile again, patting him on the shoulder because I don’t know what else to do. “This is exactly what I needed Jared. I never thanked you for that did I?” I ask, knowing that I hadn’t because before coming here I was nothing but a selfish asshole. “Thanks Jared…I really mean it” And I do.

“You’re welcome…but don’t think that it’s going to get you out of paying me back for all the damages you’ve caused” He laughs it off, but I know that my words mean a lot to him as he turns his head and we both pretend that there aren’t any tears there.

“Shannon…can I speak to you alone before you leave?” Marge asks after all the paperwork has been signed and Jared and I are preparing to leave. I just nod, watching Jared leave before turning my full attention back to her. “Well you did it” She smiles at me, tears in her eyes that confuse the hell out of me. “It was a struggle and I know that your heart wasn’t in it at the end…but you still did it.

“Is he ok?” I ask, knowing that she already know what I am talking about.

“He’s back home and doing well” She answers and I have to fight the urge to cry because I never thought that I would miss my strange roommate so much. “Don’t forget…weekly support groups and just know that I can pop into your life any time that I want to check on you” There are tears in her eyes once again as she comes around the desk and hugs me. “You did good kid. You were my biggest challenge and my biggest fear of failure…but you proved me wrong and I am glad that you did”

I hug and kiss her cheek, unable to speak at the lump in my throat as I leave the room and find Jared standing there waiting for me. “Ready to go home?” He asks as he wraps an arm around me and leads me towards my freedom. I turn my head and take one last look at the place that has been my home for what feels like forever and I realize that I am really going to miss it. Sharing a smile with my brother I turn back towards the front door and the freedom and challenges it represents, but as I feel Jared tighten his arm around my shoulder, I know that I can conquer anything that life decides to throw my way.

Epilogue…Eight months later

“You know for someone who is celebrating a birthday today you don’t look so happy” Tomo teases as he sits down next to me on the couch. He’s right, it’s my birthday today and he and Jared have gone all out to help me celebrate it, but I don’t feel much like celebrating. All my friends and my family are here, all have been updated on my addictions and mistakes, well except for a few minor details and yet they have all decided that I am worthy of a second chance. Even Matt’s here, but he’s only spoken a few terse words to me all night. I don’t know why they invited him, since lord knows it’s going to be a long time before he forgives me, but he’s here just the same and I guess that I should feel grateful. “Is it because Matt’s here?” Tomo asks, zeroing in on part of the problem, but not the main one.

“It’s just strange is all” I reply, watching across the room as Matt sits with his wife. They are still trying to make a go of it, but by what Jared has told me, the outcome looks bleak. Jared and he have continued to work on their friendship since my release from rehab and despite the fact that it bothers me that my brother is talking to my ex lover, I know that Matt’s friendship always meant a lot to Jared before all this happened and so I say nothing. They were the closest of friends before addictions and wives were thrown into the mix.

“But something tells me that it’s not the whole reason. You want to tell me about him?” I could kiss Tomo for being so observant, but I resign myself to a simple hug instead.

“I met him in rehab. He was my roommate” I begin, filling him in on everything that happened between Stuart and I. “I guess that I just miss him more then I thought I would. He just left without saying goodbye and it’s just…”

“You love him” Tomo cuts me off.

“I don’t know what I feel anymore” I speak truthfully, because I really don’t. My life is so different then when I was a drugged out, alcoholic with no time for anything but my vices. Since my release I’ve changed completely. I’ve gotten my life back on track. I work out regularly and eat healthy. I go to my weekly meeting without fail, determined not to fall back into my old ways. I’ve reconnected with friends and family that I let drift from my life and as happy as I should be because of all of my changes, I’m absolutely miserable.

“What’s his name? Have you tried to look him up?” He questions, seeming to fully be interested in what I have to say.

“His name is Stuart Cameron and I’ve tried just about everything to find him” I tell him, sighing in frustration. “I’ve tried calling Marge and asking for his number and address…but for confidentially reasons she can’t. I’ve even googled his name and all I get is link after link of some fucking movie producer I’ve never heard of”

“You’ve never heard of Stuart Cameron the famous movie producer?” Tomo asks with a look of surprise on his face.

“Other then my Stuart Cameron…no” I grumbled, taking a drink of my orange juice as I prepare to wallow in my misery some more. I don’t say anything as Tomo excuses himself, pulling Jared away from some woman he’s been talking to for the last hour. I don’t know who she is and don’t care as I get up and leave the room. I need to be alone as I continue to wallow.

I don’t know how long I’ve been laying here, but long enough to doze off as my ringing cell phone jerks me awake. “Hello…” I speak gruffly into the phone, sitting up, hoping and praying that the party downstairs is over and everyone has left. I love my friends and family, but today I just want to be left alone.

“Shannon…it’s Mark” I hear Jared’s manager speak, my brow furrowed as I try to figure out why the hell he is calling me and not Jared. “I just wanted to let you know that I showed some of your pictures around town and there is an art house that wants to host a show for you” I have no idea what the hell he is talking about, but something tells me that my dear brother does.

“Mark…can I call you back?” I ask, not giving him a chance to reply before I click the phone off and go in search of the man I want to strangle with my bare hands.

Thankfully everyone is gone; the only ones left are Tomo and Jared as they sit in the middle of the living room, in serious talk about something. “Fucking moron” I hear Jared chuckle, both of them claming up immediately as I approach. “I don’t want to hear it Shannon” Jared points at me, his eyes flashing and ready for battle and I know that Mark has already called him. “I knew you wouldn’t do it and those pictures are far to beautiful to waste sitting around here collecting dust”

“You had no right Jay” I yell, angry, but not really sure if it’s because he showed his manager the pictures or not. The fact is that since I’ve come back home, I’ve pretty much decided to stay out of the music business for a while, maybe even permanently. Instead I’ve picked up my camera again and have been allowing my muse to take me wherever it wants to go. It feels good to be creative, to work on my own and make something beautiful. I didn’t’ realize how much I missed it until I picked it back up again.

“Shannon…please just sit down for a minute” Jared sounds almost pleading as he pats the space beside him on the couch. I don’t say anything as I fall beside him, leaning back as I wait for him to continue. The room is silent as I look around and find Tomo and Jared both staring at me. “What?” I cry out, completely uncomfortable with the looks.

“You know how proud of you we are” Jared begins and my heart freezes because this can’t be a good way to start a conversation right?

“I know…” I reply, my lungs tights, airflow limited as I fight the urge to panic.

“It’s just that you’ve made such strides” Tomo picks up where Jared left off. “You’re a completely different person. You’re strong and confidant again. You’ve been going to your meetings and staying clean. You’ve been doing everything you’re supposed to do and yet at the same time you don’t seem happy. You seem to be just going through the motions and it has us worried Shan”

I don’t feel so strong and confidant as I watch my brother get up and walk across the room before turning back to face me. “It’s not like we are worried you might fall back into your old ways. Well…maybe that’s not true since it will always be a possibility” He sighs, looking to Tomo before focusing back on me.

I so don’t like where this is going.

“It’s like you’re going through the motions” He repeats Tomo’s earlier words. “Like you don’t have a purpose anymore and that scares me” He sits back down beside me. “The only time that I’ve seen you alive since you’ve been back is when you are taking pictures and that’s why you need to get out and do something with your life” He rushes the last part out, but I understood it loud and clear.

“You’re kicking me out?” I questions, my mouth hanging open, my heart beating so hard within my chest that I struggle to breath.

“No…I’m not kicking you out” He assures, taking my hand into his own as he fumbles with my fingers. “I just think that you need to get out there and start to experience life again. I want you to take a trip anywhere in the world and just allow your surroundings to speak to you”

“I’m broke…” I choke, because truth be told I have been living off of the good graces of my brother since I’ve been back, even though I don’t deserve it.

“Happy Birthday Shannon” He produces an envelope from under the cushion, placing it in the hand he’s been playing with. “Tomo and I went in together and got you this” I don’t know what to say as I open the envelope and find a voucher for roundtrip air fair to anywhere in the world as well as gift certificates from a top notch hotel to be used anywhere. There’s also a credit card, but I don’t look to see how much it is for as I hand it back to Jared and stand up.

“No…I can’t. It’s too much”

“You can and you will dammit” Tomo demands, walking over to me grabbing onto my arms so I can’t get away. “You need this Shannon…trust me…trust us” He looks over at Jared once again before turning back to me. “We love you and we’re so fucking afraid that we are going to lose you once again”

I want to fight them because I sure as hell don’t deserve all the kindness that they have bestowed on me, but I can’t as they both stare at me with eyes full of nothing but worry and so much love that it makes my heart squeeze. “Ok…” I squawk, tears blazing down my face as I find myself surrounded by my brother and my best friend in the entire world.

“How is it over there?” Jared asks as I sit in my hotel room, trying to drink my hot chocolate and pull off my many layers of clothing all at the same time after a long day of hiking and exploring one of the many small towns in Germany I’ve been visiting.

“It’s fucking cold…but I love it” I laugh, my voice muffled as I rip the final shirt from off of my body. I went on a volksmarsch today through the mountains. It was the most beautiful experience of my life” I can’t stop smiling, but it only lasts for a minute, quickly over shadowed by the same loneliness that has been plaguing me for nearly a year now. “I took a ton of pictures though” I continue, knowing that I haven’t fooled my brother for even a second.

“What’s it going to take to make you happy again?” He asks and I can hear the concern in his voice.

“I don’t know Jay…but I’m not totally miserable” I try to put a smile in my voice, but it just sounds fake.

“Yeah…” He responds disheartened, and I hate the fact that I’ve made him worry all over again, not that I’m sure he’s stopped since I got out. “I love you Shannon. Take care of yourself and call me soon” He says when the conversation seems to lull.

“Love you too Jared and I will”

Thoughts of Stuart enter my mind as I lay in bed. It’s been hours since I’ve gotten off of the phone with Jared and I am so restless that I just can’t relax enough to even think about sleep. I have so much emotion and feeling when it comes to this man, something that I thought that I would only ever experience with Matt. My mind of course wanders to Matt. I wonder how he’s doing. I wonder if he and Libby are still together and if their happy. I, of course wonder if he misses me, because despite it all, a little part of me still loves him and I know it always will. My thoughts then turn back to Stuart and I finally admit something to myself that everyone else who knows about him already know, that I’m head over heels in love with him. A weight settles upon my chest once again as I curl up under the blankets and try to will myself to sleep.

“Yeah…I think that I’ll be heading home at the end of the week” I am talking to my brother again a few days after the last phone call. He makes sure to call me every day and as annoying as it is, I know that he’s only worried and so I say nothing. “I’m ready to come home and fill my lungs with smoggy air” I laugh, it disappearing at a knock on my hotel room door. “Hold on Jay…someone’s at the door”

“He’s a great movie producer…still can’t believe that you didn’t know who he was” I hear him laugh before the line goes dead and before I have a chance to question him further, there is yet another knock.

I have no idea who it could be, but at Jared’s remark I am sure that he has something to do with it. “You” I cry out as I open the door and finding a very famous movie producer standing in front of me.

“Yeah it’s me you moron” He comes back at me, but I can see the teasing in his eyes. “So you going to let me in or am I am going to have to stand in the hallway all day”

“Sorry…come in” I babble like an idiot, stepping back at I allow him to enter the room. He looks so different from the last time I saw him. His hair has grown out quite a bit, but it suits him and he has a confidence that he never had before. “You look amazing” I rush out like a dolt, cursing myself for being such an idiot.

“You don’t look half bad yourself Shannon” He grins at me. “Been working out I see” His hand trails from my shoulder to my elbow, goose bumps sprouting in its wake.

“Yeah…” Another dumb reply because I can’t think of a damn thing else to say as Stuart stands before me.

“So…your brother tells me that your in love with me” He says straight forward, catching me off guard and unable to speak yet again. “I see I left you speechless” He chuckles, stepping forward as he wraps his arms around my shoulder, laying his forehead upon mine as well. “I love you too” He whispers softly, tears in his eyes as we just gaze at each other.

It can’t be this simple, I think to myself but as I continue to stare into his eyes, my eyes getting all misty as well. But, then I figure why the hell not. I’ve lived a hard life. I’ve had to fight for every single thing that I have wanted from it, why does loving Stuart have to be the same. “Anything else my brother told you?” I grin, my arms wrapping around his middle as I pull our bodies even closer.

“He said that you wanted to fuck me like mad” He doesn’t miss a beat.

“He told you that huh?” I chuckle.

“He did and that you want to spend the rest of your life with me”

“Well no one ever said that Jared wasn’t a brilliant man…especially Jared” I don’t give him a chance to respond as I cover his lips with my own, eyes closed tight as I relish the taste I’d almost forgotten about in all the months we have been apart.

“So you really had no idea who I was?” He asks as we lay in a beautiful afterglow of love making several hours later. “Because I knew who you were the moment you walked into my room”

“I really had no idea who you where” I reply, he and I sharing the same pillow as we lay on our sides just looking at each other. “As far as I knew you were an average Joe with some sort of addiction you were trying to move past. You knew who I was the moment I entered the room?” I question.

I overheard some of the staff talking the day before you were scheduled to sign in. They were talking about your band and what a fucking hot drummer you were” He smiles at me before leaning forward and giving me a kiss. “How right on they were” He smiles again. “I worked with your brother on a movie before…so I had some knowledge of who you were. It’s part of the reason that I was so reluctant to speak to you because I was sure that once you found out who I was that you would be trying to promote Jared or yourself. It always seems to happen whenever people find out who I am. I have to say that I was quite happy when you seemed to not know or care about who I was”

“Oh I cared…just not for those reasons” I tease, stealing at kiss from him this time before turning serious. “I was so shocked and upset when I found out that you were gone…kicking my self for trying to talk to you about it sooner”

“You were confused about Matt and I understood that…somewhat” He blushes.

“I never meant to hurt you Stuart. I know you saw Matt kissing me in the lobby that day…but I was so confused that about my feelings for him and for you that I took what I thought to be the easy way out. I realized while we were talking that Marge was right and I had become too dependant on him…but at the same time I couldn’t stop thinking about you…realizing that my feelings for you had changed as well. When you were gone when I got back…I knew that I had realized it too late”

“I had to leave because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to face you if you came back and told me that you had decided to work things out with Matt. I knew I was in love with you and I didn’t want to complicate you life anymore then it already was. I’m sorry that I didn’t hang around and fight for my chance”

“Do you love me?” I ask, closing any distance between us.

“Very much so” He smiles, shifting in a bit closer.

“Then that is all that matters now” I smile as I lean forward and kiss him with all the love that I feel for him, knowing that there will still be lots of roadblocks ahead for the both of us, but safe in the knowledge that as long as we are together we can over come anything.

The end…


End file.
